For the love of Henri (my fanfiction!)
For the love of Henri, tome one
Henry Wales was sitting in his humble and not 4 million pound cottage flicking through a botany magazine one day when a knock came at the door.
‘Come in! Mi casa tu casa’ he said.
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton walked in wearing a suit.
'Why good afternoon Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, my advisor and close friend and confidant’
'Good afternoon sir’ Jamie Lowther Pinkerton said and bowed deeply to his favorite prince.
'What news have you?’ Henry said, boring his stunning eyes into Jamie Lowther Pinkerton’s.
'It’s not good news sir. I’m afraid Her Majesty has sent me to tell you something she requires from you’
'Pray, do tell good sir’ Henry said in a concerned manner. 'I would do anything for my beloved granny’
'Granny, I mean Her majesty requires you to marry as soon as possible. She is concerned that your brother and his wife will not be suitable and she has asked that you find a bride asap so that you can set up an opposing faction’
Henry gasped his sweet, and not tobacco filled, breath, ‘I could never betray my brother so!’
'You must. I have lined up some suitable ladies for you to choose from, you will meet them tonight. Good day’
Henry despaired, what oh what was he going to do?
Henry walked into the big ballroom with crystal chandeliers on the ceiling and saw two women waiting wearing ballgowns.
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton was there too and introduced them. The first was a slim blonde.
'This is Culian’
'Hello Culian, you look stunning tonight’
Culian giggled.
'And this is Jimmu’ Jamie Lowther Pinkerton gestured to a voluptuous black lady wearing a black bikini with a long sparkling train behind it.
'A pleasure to meet you Jimmu’
'HI HARRY’ she shouted.
Behind Jimmu was a stunning girl hiding in the shadows. He could not see her face but instantly, he was mezmorized’
'PICK UP MY TRAIN YOU BLOODY BASTARD!!!?!?!?!’ Jimmu yelled.
Henry jumped, ‘I’m sorry?…’
'NOT YOU BABY, IM TALKING TO THIS ASSHOLE’
She pointed to the girl behind her who appeared from the shadows and picked up Jimmu’s train.
'Jimmu please don’t use that language’
Jimmu went purple ‘FUCK YOU, YOU DOG WHORE’ and stormed off.
'Culian I’m afraid this isn’t for me’ Henry said regretfully.
Culian giggled and whispered to him as she left ‘I have Cressie’s instagram pictures, wanna see? Call me’
Meanwhile Jimmu’s asshole was sweeping glitter from the floor. Henry reached out his hand.
She stood up. She was a perfect size. Most definitely not too skinny. She had a brown bob and big brown eyes. She was wearing a full length brown cotton dress with an apron over the top.
'Who be you fair maiden?’ Henry said.
'My name is Philanthropina’ she smiled a glorious but humble smile.
'And what do you do?’
'I am Jimmu’s lady maid. But in my spare time I like to tap dance, volunteer with sick children, learn new languages and go to church. I stared my own charity when I was 6 weeks old’
'You are perfect! We must be together’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton interjected, ‘but she’s a pauper girl sir’
'Hush Jamie Lowther Pinkerton!’ Henry rarely lost his temper but he was a passionate man. 'I shall marry for love!’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton retreated into the shadows that Philanthropina came out of.
'Do you love me Phily?’ Henry asked.
'I do Henri’ she said in a French accent and then giggled. 'Sorry I know so many languages that sometimes I just slip into them! Je t'aime Henri!’
'Vous êtes belle. Je vais vous marier, ma princesse’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton swallowed the vomit he’d just involuntarily bought up.
Then Henri looked sad.
'What is wrong my love?’ Phily said.
'We must ask the Queen’s permission BEFORE we become engaged. I WILL NOT DISRESPECT HER’
'Yes my love’
They danced all the way to Henri’s not 4 million pound cottage.
On the way there, they saw Henri’s dear cousin Eugbea running across the lawn. She ran right into Henri with diamond tears running down her face.
'Eugbea, what the matter be?’ Henri gasped.
'It’s it’s her!’ Eugbea snivelled.
Henri’s red face turned white. She was of course speaking about his sister in law, Princess Kate (as his brother forced him to call her).
'What happened dear cousin?’
'I went to the 4 million pound apartment to ask if she would like some assistance with Prince George while she went for her sinus reconstruction surgery and she accused me of calling her a bad mother!’
Philanthropina gasped.
'And then she called me a b -b - b’
'No!’ Philanthropina screamed.
'A busybody cunthole!’ Eugbea collapsed on the floor for it was to much for her.
'I must talk to my brother at once!’ said Henri, 'it is unacceptable to speak to a blood princess this way’
He and Phily went to the 4 million pound apartment as Eugbea recovered on the ground. Henri had often suffered from dizzy spells and fallen to the ground at night. He knew she would be ok.
Henri’s brother, who Henri was ordered to call Prince of Hearts, let them in and put his leg up onto the couch. He was wearing only a pair of pink lacy underwear.
'Prince of Hearts, we must speak, Princess Kate can not speak to dear cousin that way’
Prince of Hearts promptly walked over and slapped Henri around the face.
Phily screamed (again).
'My name is Wilhelm!’
'W-h-hat?’ asked Henri.
'Have some respect, you fucking idiot’
'Now I know how Ellie Goulding felt’ Henri thought with deep sadness,
'Ok Wilhelm, Princess Kate—-’
'Katniss’
'Ok Katniss must not speak like that to a blood princess that way’
Phily felt a flutter in her nethers. He was so brave and strong.
'Eugbea was just trying to assist with Prince George’
'Gayorg’
'Yes indeed - Gayorg of course’
Wilhelm looked at Phily, ‘who is this busybody?’
Henri stood proudly, ‘with granny’s permission, this will be my future wife’
Just as he said this Katniss walked in and looked Phily up and down. She was immediately jealous of Phily’s naturalness and pure heart.
'Who’ this asshole, Wilhelm?’ said Katniss, wearing the matching bra to Wilhelm’s thong, but nothing else.
'This is our new sister in law, be nice’
Katniss acquiesced and Philly’s discreetly looked away from her nethers.
'So lovely to meet you, I’m sure we’ll be great friends’ Katniss said and gripped Philly’s delicate fingers in her big man hands.
'Likewise, we’ll be sisters!’
When they left and Wilhelm had got off the phone from his mistress, Katniss said, ‘we must destroy them Wilhelm, I will not have her be more popular than me’
'We will, oh we will!’
Then they cackled.
Henri and Phily walked up the swirly gold staircase in Buckingham Palace arm in arm. They were affectionate, which meant they loved each other deep in their hearts, but not too affectionate which would mean they weren’t in love with each other and it was just a marriage of convenience.
They entered the queen’s study.
‘Hello granny’ Henri said and kneeled to the floor to kiss her feet.
‘Henry my favorite grandson, please rise’
Phily stood an appropriate step behind Henri. She was wearing a powder blue dress suit. The jacket closed up to her neck and the skirt was just above her ankles.
‘This is Philanthropina, I would like your permission to marry her’
Liz summoned Phily to her and sniffed her armpit, ‘you are a pauper girl?’
‘I am your majesty’
‘What happened to the sexy ladies I fixed you up with Henry?’
‘W-w-w-well granny, I knew they were trouble when they walked in, so shame on me now, blew me to places I’ve never been…’
‘Really Henry I don’t need to know the sordid details. Why should I accept this pauper girl?’
Henry pulled something long and firm from his pant pocket. Phily’s nethers quivered again and she quickly punched herself in the face for thinking such unchaste thoughts.
To Phily’s great relief, it was just a ruler. Henri knelt to the floor and measured her heel.
‘2 inches exactly! And she did not have pre-warning granny!’
Liz thought of the first time she’d met Kate Middlescum. It was at the wedding of some grandson that she didn’t care about so could not remember the name of. She saw Middlescum in the ladies’ bathroom urinating in the sink. She knew from that moment on that she must remove William from the line of succession.
‘Tell Jamie Lowther Pinkerton there’s a new duchess in town!! Now where’s the par-tayyyyy!
’
It was the day of Phily’s bachelorette party and she arrived at the 4 million pound apartment for the costume party Katniss was throwing for her. The theme was famous musicians and Phily had come as Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music.
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton opened the door dressed as Liza Minelli in Cabaret.
Katniss was in the middle of the room on a spherical swing. She was unclothed but for a pair of boots.
‘Sister, you look lovely, who are you dressed as?’ Phily asked.
'Duh. Miley Cyrus asshole’ Katniss said, swinging her hair around.
Katniss star jumped off the swing and Phily had to avert her eyes once more from her nethers, but also from her areolas.
‘Welcome bee-atch!’ Katniss said.
‘Thankyou for this wonderful party sister’ replied Phily.
‘Don’t call me sister, call me bee-atch’
‘I would never disrespect you so’ Phily said.
‘Say it!’
‘No I couldn’t possibly’
‘Say it bitch!’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton stepped in before it got ugly, ‘shall we have some canapés?’
‘Yes, I’ll help you’ Phily said running after him.
‘Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, why are you here and where are the other guests?’
‘Kermajesty asked me to be the waitress today. I believe you are the only guests’
Phily panicked.
‘You are right to be nervous’ Jamie Lowther Pinkerton whispered. ‘I believe she’s up to no good’
Just then, the doorbell rang and Kermajesty opened it to a police man.
‘I hear there’s been a noise complaint’ said the cop.
Phily gasped, she’d never been in trouble with the law.
Kermajesty laughed and pointed to Phily. He walked towards her and suddenly he started singing and removing his clothing!
******Musical interlude*********
Kermajesty was chanting ‘go athur go arthur’ as he chased Phily around the 4 million pound apartment, dancing with his nethers out.
Finally Phily snapped, ‘I will not betray my love! Leave me be Arthur Landon!’
The room became silent apart from a drop between Kermajesty’s legs. It was a recording device that she had hidden between her butt cheeks.
Phily screamed and ran and ran back to Henri’s not 4 million pound cottage.
‘Ma princesse! Ca va?’ Henri said, rushing to her side. He had not had a bachelor party as he preferred to complete his charity vegetable patch in his spare time.
‘Katniss, I mean Kermajesty…she tried to set me up with a stripper!’
‘Sacré bleu! Granny was right, we must seize the throne from my brother before they strike again!’
Meanwhile, Will.I.Am had returned from Wales where he’d been visiting his mistress and Kermajesty told him the bad news.
‘I told you to hide it in your nethers, your butt cheeks cannot hold it!’
‘Im sorry big boy, but I have a new plan, we shall bring them down on the biggest day of their lives! I’ll teach that busybody not to mess with a Middleton!’
They cackled.
The day of the wedding was a sunny day, of course. Phily got dressed in her custom wedding dress made by the hands of sick African children, who she also had as bridesmaids and page boys.
‘Are you nervous?’ Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, Phily’s maid of honor said to her. Henri wanted to have Jamie Lowther Pinkerton as his best man but he was forced to have Will.I.Am.
‘I am as calm as can be’ Phily sang as a bird flew into the window and landed on her finger. The bird was holding a note in its foot.
Phily read it and began to sob, ‘it says, “my beautiful angel Phily, I will love you forever amen jesus”. Oh he’s so romantic and so pious too!’
Jamie Lowther Pinkerton placed the queen’s wedding tiara on her head and they went off to St Paul’s Cathedral in a golden carriage.
Over at the cathedral, the guests including the Dali Lama and Amanda Seyfried were arriving. Kermajesty was wearing a modest yellow dress that would only expose her areolas under bright lights. Will.I.Am was in his red uniform and Gayorg was wearing a frilly white dress and bonnet.
‘Has the eagle landed, big boy?’ Kermajesty said.
‘Boom boom pow’ he said back.
Henri arrived wearing a pure white military outfit and waited at the altar. Outside, twenty million people were waiting for their new duchess. Five trillion were watching at home.
An announcement came over the big speakers –‘PRINCE HENRY AND PHILANTHROPINA WILL BE GIVEN THE TITLES PRINCE AND PRINCESS OF THE PEOPLE’
Kermajesty screamed and Will.I.Am restrained her from biting Eugbea who was sitting behind her. ‘Bloody bastards!!!!’ she screamed.
Phily arrived to loud cheers. There were tears of joy as she stepped out of the carriage and walked to the door. No one knew who would walk her down the aisle as she was an orphan. There were gasps of delight as Her Majesty the Queen took her arm and walked her down.
‘You are like the daughter I never had’ said Liz.
Phily was too kind hearted to correct her.
They had chosen ‘in the arms of the angel’ to be sung by a choir of Phily’s pauper child friends. It was a beautiful sound.
All of a sudden there was a great disturbance in the choir stalls, the children were being pushed over to make way for someone.
Jimmu pushed herself to the front. She was in a neon pink bikini dress. She gave the signal and Kermajesty reached under her dress and pressed play.
She looked right at Henri and began singing 'Like a virgin' by Madonna.
The place was silent. Phily looked to Henri who was red. She ran to him and said, ‘is it true, have you given your flower to Jimmu?!’
Henri nodded solemnly. ‘It was before I met you my love’
Kermajesty and Will.I.Am were twerking in the stalls and Phily started crying.
‘How could you????’
‘I wanted to show the world that I don’t discriminate against any woman, no matter their size our color’
Phily sniveled. ‘Well I suppose you are the Prince of the People’
‘So you forgive me?’
‘Of course I do!!! But what shall we do about your brother and sister in law’
‘We put it to the vote. Everyone listen!!!’
The room listened intently to Henri’s commanding voice.
‘Hands up if you want these two as your king and queen’ he pointed at Kermajesty and Will.I.Am and no one put their hand up. Kermaj glared at Jamie Lowther Pinkerton, but he too did not raise his hand.
‘Hands up if you want myself and my wife to be to be your king and queen’. Everyone put their hands up. Kermaj hurled herself at them and Phily had to duck to avoid a face full of nethers.
‘Seize them!’ screamed the queen. ‘William, Catherine, you will be stripped of your titles and henceforth be known as Michael and Carole Middlescum the second’
Phily looked nervously, ‘and what of innocent Gayorg?’
‘He is not yet a Middlescum, so you and Henri will adopt him’
‘Yes, your majesty’
Michael and Carole Middlescum the second were removed kicking and screaming and Gayorg, renamed Philip instantly became the happy baby he never was.
Jimmu was also removed but not before she had her final word.
‘WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?????? WHAT THE FUCK DOES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOU, YOU BLOODY BASTARD?????? WHO THE FUCKING HELL GIVES A SHIT OR FUCK ABOUT YOU BEING DEAD???? YOU DIE ALSO I WOULDN’T GIVE A FUCK!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! DON’T SEND ME SHIT QUESTIONS & EXPECT ME TO BE NICE OR SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS YOU FUCKER!!! DON’T YOU HAVE A LIFE???? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW YOU!!! GOT IT???? I D-O-N-‘-T K-N-O-W Y-O-U!!! WHAT DOES WHAT I WRITE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU?????? WHO ARE YOU???? WHY YOU SO BUSYBODY WITH WHAT I WRITE????? WHAT IS IT TO YOU WHAT I WRITE??? ARE YOU MY FRIEND??? NO, THEN WHY BE AN ASSHOLE??? GET A LIFE & DON’T SIMPLY FUCKING ASSUME ANYTHING OKAY!!!’
The service then got underway and the pope married Prince Henry of Wales to Philanthropina Gloriana Brittania England.
When they processed through the streets, the crowds rejoiced.
'I love you Henri’
'I love jesus and Jimmu for sending you to me my angel, let us make a baby tonight. Philip needs a sister’
'Anything for the love of Henri!’
Phily and Henri kissed on the balcony and Phily sang for her people with her pauper child friends as back up vocals.
And they lived in a faithful, happy, philanthropic marriage forever and ever. AMEN
Tome Three is unavaliable. Here’s what happened. Henri and Phily had a ginger baby called Elizabeth (Libby) and its first words were ‘God save the queen’. Libby got christened and Willy and Katie returned with evil Charlotte who liked to tell everyone to fuck off, and they tried to curse the child, but the rest of the fam formed a protective circle around Libby and the cursed deflected. Willy, Katie, and Charlotte were banished from the kingdom (again).
On a bright sunny day and a rare day off work, Henri, Phily and Libby were doing some botany in their not-£4 million cottage. Libby was now 1 year old and could walk, talk, ride horses, tap dance, teach 5 languages to paupers and do solo engagements.
‘What a beautiful day it is, don’t you think Papa?’ beamed Ave Libby, a holy glow emitting from her ginger locks which were pulled back as not to interfere with her work.
‘Why yes, yes it is my sweet’ Henri replied, looking up from his botany. Today he was planting flowers for the elderly.
‘Jesu is shining a light on our work today’ Phily said.
Henri nodded, but not in the enthused way he usually would when it came to the topic of Jesu and work. It was a reluctant nod.
‘What is troubling you amore mio?’ Philiy asked with much philanthropic concern.
‘It is this event I must attend tonight in place of my brother. As you know brother William was interested with only undertaking celebrity events. Now I must attend the Charitable B-Z List Celebrities Gala Auction and I am unsure if I am truly representing our beloved Queen’.
‘Oh Henri!’ Phily gasped and placed her soiled hands on his face. Neither of them were afraid to get their hands dirty. Phily was of true working class stock and Henri was well know for running around with children in dusty terrain with orphans in Africa. They really were the Prince and Princess of the People.
Phily continued. ‘Henri, I know your reluctance to take on your brother’s causes since he was banished, but it is the protocol for the youngest sibling to inherit all banished member’s patronages, remember? And the Queen places protocol before anything else, even common sense’
‘Yes you are right, how could I forget that you, a simple working girl, would know the protocal better than I, a blood royal. I shall now get ready!’
Henri went into his humble cottage bedroom where he found his adopted son George playing with a toy gun.
‘George my son! Where did you get such a toy?’ Henri exclaimed in horror.
‘Granny Middlescum gave it to me, what’s it to you, why you gotta be so BUSYBODY?’.
Henri gasped. Since he and Phily had adopted George, he had lost his sweet angelic nature and become surly and rude like his biological father.
There was nothing to be done that moment. Henri would have to take George to church on Sunday and have him exorcised.
Meanwhile in a 4 star hotel in London.
Ms. Meghan Markle, accress, sometime philanthopist and American dream was lounging on a chaise longue as her assistant Mrs. Jessica Mulroney was showing her dress options.
‘No no no!’ Meghan said to each one.
Jessica Mulroney replied ‘this is the 666th dress I’ve shown you, we’re running out of time!’
Meghan jumped out of her seat ‘I have told you before, tonight has to be PERFECT, I have to look sexy but classy’
Jessica Mulroney sighed. ‘There’s nothing left’
Meghan suddenly raised an eyebrow and looked past Jessica Mulroney and into the bathroom. ‘I’VE FOUND IT! I’VE FOUND THE DRESS!’.
Jessica Mulroney walked into the bathroom with a hollywood strut and found Meghan in the bath.
‘B-b-b-ut it’s a bathrobe!’ Jessica Mulroney exclaimed.
‘It’s a dress Jessica Mulroney and it’s gonna knock him off his feet’
‘Who is this guy?, you havent told me his name’.
‘His name is H. Or to you, Prince Henri of Wales, Prince of the People’.
Jessica peed her self a little with the shock. ‘Meghan, the Prince of the People is happily married and faithful to the most popular Princess the WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!’
Meghan smirked a sexy/evil smirk, ‘Not for much longer Jessica Mulroney, when I rock up to the Charitable B-Z List Celebrities Gala Auction tonight wearing this, H won’t know what’s hit him’.
Henri arrived at the Charitable B-Z List Celebrities Gala Auction with philanthropic enthusiasm after Phily’s pep talk. He was looking dashing in a tuxedo. After mingling with the crowd and making each person wretch with laughter, Henri took his place on the front row. Unlike his brother, he had throughroughly read his preparation notes for the engagement so knew that now was time for the auction of B-C list Celebrities in aid of Charity. The B-Z list celebrity would stay with the auction winner for 5 days, and in an act of Charity, they would be moved up the alphabet.
The compere for the night Arthur Landon stepped up to the stage. ‘Good evening your royal highness, ladies and gentlemen. Our first lot tonight has come all the way from the United States. Please welcome Ms. Meghan Markle!
A vision in white towelling appeared from the side of the stage gliding across, smiling and waving.
Henri immediately felt tingle in his nethers. He was utterly transfixed and bewitched by her beauty and as she span in a circle, he saw Sparkles™ emitting from her hair.
The bidding began and was soon up to £50 million. Henri’s nethers were twitching uncomfortably each time she span and he began slapping them down as if they were on fire. Suddenly a small voice began to speak to him ‘Bid Henri, bid!’
‘Who goes there!?’ he said.
‘It’s me, your nethers, bid on her, you know you want to!’
Henri now smacked his ears. He wondered if someone had implanted an ear piece and was trying to control his actions like the time William did when he dressed as a nazi, and used racial slurs, and smoked weed, and cheated on his military exam, and got naked in Vegas.
But there was no ear piece. So Henri concluded it was indeed his nethers speaking to him.
‘But dear nethers, how can I bid on Ms. Markle in this clearly sexist and demeaning auction?’
Nethers replied, ‘don’t follow your golden heart Henri, follow me for once!’
Suddenly Arthur Landon was hammering down his auction hammer and Henri leapt to his feet. ‘100 MILLION POUNDS’ he screamed and the whole room gasped and broke into applause at his generosity.
Meghan ran down to greet him. ‘Hi! I’m Meghan!’ she said.
Henri was lost for words ‘good evening Ms. Markle. The name’s People, Prince of the People’.
Meghan laughed and songbirds flew out of her mouth, ‘I’m American, I’ll just call you H, ok?’
‘Ok Meghan’ he replied shyly.
Before they could engage in more riveting conversation, Arthur Landon was back. ‘Just a reminder everyone, DO NOT CALL ME FARTHER or I will sue you. Ok moving on, our next lot is a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend time with a slice of history. Please welcome William, Catherine and Charlotte Cambridge!!!’
The whole room gasped and screamed. Everyone including Henri took out their crucifixes. But the Cambridge family were not cursing and Kate was fully dressed. It seemed a drastic change had taken place.
Up on the stage all three were smiling and waving but all was not as it seemed.
‘When can we get the fuck outta here?’ Charlotte said through a pursed smile.
Kate spoke through her fake teeth, ‘just keep smiling and waving and we’ll get bid on’
‘Yes princess, keep going’ William said.
‘Shut the fuck up piss face’ Charlotte said to her father.
But no matter how much she waved, no one was bidding. Until suddenly, a beautiful hand shot up.
‘$500,000’ she said.
Everyone one turned, it was Ms. Meghan Markle!
‘Oh Meghan are you sure?!’ Henri shouted.
‘I am sure H, charity starts at home, and I will be part of your home for the next 5 days’.
As the only bid, the Cambridges were sold to Meghan and went down to the floor.
William embraced his brother Henri, ‘it’s been too long bro!’
‘You tried to curse my daughter Libby!’ Henri said patiently, but firmly.
‘I’m sorry ok? And so is Kate and Charlotte. God why u gotta be so busybody?’.
‘Apology accepted.’ said Henri.
Meanwhile Meghan was talking to Kate and Charlotte.
‘Thanks for bidding babe’ Kate said fakely. ‘Now Henri won you and you won us, that means we’ll be chillin at the palace right?’
‘I didnt do it for you’ Meg replied. ‘I thought you might come in useful’
‘For what asshole?’ Charlotte sweetly.
‘We both wanna get up the celebrity alphabet. You want to get back in this family. And I? I want Henri!’
Kate cackled. ‘You’ll NEVER break up Phily and Henri. Even I, winner of stupidist royal 2012 knows that’.
‘That’s why I need your help. If you help me become Princess of the People, I’ll reinstate you all. Deal or no deal?’
Kate thought of the idea of never working again. The free holidays and clothes and forcing Liz to lend her jewels. And getting revenge on the biggest shit butt in the land - Philanthropina.
At the footstep of the not £4 million cottage, Henri, Meghan Markle, Willy, Kate and Charlotte stood in anticipation.
Henri put his best stern face on. 'Now I must set some ground rules before we go in. My darling Phily will not be expecting any houseguests. You MUST behave, wear undergarments at all times and not use curse words. All that agree say "aye"'.
Everyone said aye apart from Charlotte who said 'aye aye me bastard'.
Henri gasped in dismay. But Kate, who was keen to impress Henri did the unexpected and disciplined her child.
'Charlotte, wash your mouth out! No Game of Thrones for you tonight'.
'BUSYBODY!!!' Charlotte screamed.
Just then the door of the humble cottage opened and a light so bright emerged. It was so heavenly that it took a moment to notice it was coming from Phily and her cherub of her baby daughter, Libby.
'Speak of the devil and she will come' Willy snickered, and Kate elbowed him in the nethers.
'Henri my love, is everything ok?' she asked sweetly. 'I heard a commotion'.
Phily was dressed the same haggard, brown ensemble she was wearing the day they met. She was not ashamed of her roots as a pauper girl.
'Yes my dear' Henri stuttered, kissing her soiled, hardworking feet. 'We have some visitors'.
Phily was no doubt surprised to see the Cambridges and a random beautiful woman on her door step. But she would never turn anyone away from her door.
'Come in brother, sister and unknown woman', she said selflessly.
During this interaction, Meg had been quietly observing. She needed to be smart if she was going to win over Henri's heart. But every one knew a way to a man's heart is through his nethers, so she touched him on the place she knew to be every man's weak spot - his back.
Henri was startled at the feel someone's hand on his back. No-one did that apart from Phily. But not in a domineering way, in a gentle, supportive way that never implied he was a cuckhold. He knew it could be no one but Meghan Markle. But instead of disgust, Henri felt that uncontrolable nether shudder.
As Phily welcomed the Cambridges, Charlotte greeted her brother George and Libby by rapping Nicki Minaj's 'Monster' while standing on Phily's self made, recycled, environmentally friendly dinner table.
"OK first things first I'll eat your brains
Then I'm a start rocking gold teeth and fangs
'cause that's what a motherfucking monster do
Hair dresser from Milan that's the monster do
Monster Giuseppe heel, that's the monster shoe
Big Lizzie is the roster and a monster crew
But really, really I don't give a F-U-C-K
Forget Georgie, fuck Libby 'cause she's fake
She's on a diet but her pockets eating cheese cake
And I'll say bride of Chucky is Child's play
Just killed another career it's a mild day
Now look at what you just saw
This is what you live for
Aaaahhh,
I'm a motherfucking monster!"
***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTkEpkGKgoY
The next morning Henri explained that their visitors were only there for 5 days as per the rules of the auction. Phily cooked up a sustainable breakfast and to her shock Kate offered to wash everything up.
'They really have changed' Phily said to Henri, who was weaving baskets for the poor with Libby. 'Even William is taking an interest in his son', she smiled in a motherly way.
Willy and George were weaving baskets next to the window, out of earshot.
'I hate this place!' George said sulkily 'they make me go to a pauper school that they dont have to pay for'.
'You dont say', Willy said smirking, his limited cogs turning in his brain. 'They took a school place from a pauper child, did they?'
'Don't even try it Pops. They offset it by building a new wing of the school with their bare hands and that stupid Phily volunteers as a music teacher too.'
'Ass lickers' Willy scowled. He really hoped he could get in touch with all the tabloids and plant negative stories.
Despite this setback, Willy was happy to see that nature had won over nurture and George had demanded to change his name back from Philip, and had not given in to doing any philanthropy.
Over at the kitchen sink, Kate had enlisted help from Meg with the dishes.
'Right bitch, how we gonna get rid that busybody Phily?' Kate said licking a plate clean and handing it to Meg to dry with Phily's wedding dress, which she had mistaken for a dishcloth.
'Well H will be a breeze, when I passed him after I'd taken a dump this morning, I saw him slap his nethers', Meg said sneakily.
Kate cackled, 'today's the day you make your move, I'll distract Phily, you get him to kiss you, George will take a photo and tweet it to Piers Morgan and we're done!'
'How you gonna distract her?' Meg asked.
Kate winked at Meg. At least she tried, but she couldnt wink so she just blinked instead. 'Watch and learn from the master'.
Kate stumbled into the basket weaving area, clutching her stomach, 'oooh ouch owwww ooooh'.
Phily ran over immediately. With her medical degree, she could solve any problem, 'sister, whatever is the matter?'
Just then, Kate pulled up her skirt, revealing a small head. 'I-i-i-i'm giving birth!'
'WHAT THE FUCK!' Charlotte screamed.
Willy stayed where he was and said nonchlantly, 'you're preggers again?'
'What does it look like dipshit! Sorry Phily I dont mean to curse, it's just painful you know?'
Phily tried to understand, but in reality pain during childbirth is the one thing on earth she couldnt relate to, for hers was pain free.
Ushering Kate onto the handmade couch, Phily went into full midwife mode, sending Henri to get warm towels.
Kate blinked as a signal to Meg and she followed him up the ricketty staircase.
At the towel cupboard upstairs, Meg began to sob.
'Oh dear, Meghan, what be the matter?!' Henri asked with a genuine concern that his brother could never muster.
Meg sniffed, pulling out her best acting skills, 'oh it's just so emotional seeing new life coming into the world'
'There there' said Henri, patting her on the arm.
'Oh H!' she wailed, falling into his arms. She puckered up her lips and launched at his mouth. But before she could land the kiss, Henri turned his cheek.
Around the corner, George snapped the photo using a camera he'd stolen from 'that cry baby' photographer Garther Tedwards.
Although Henri's nethers were now beating like the Beychella marching band, his love for Phily overwhelmed him.
'Stop Meghan Markle! I beg of you', he hollered .
Meg was taken aback by his rejection, 'I'm so sorry H! Please forgive me'. She fled down the ricketty staircase.
Kate was on the couch legs akimbo screaming expletives at Willy, who was now reluctantly sitting next to his wife to assist with the birth.
"FUCK YOU!!!! DID I ASK YOU TO SIT NEXT TO ME YOU BASTARD/BITCH???? FUCK YOU CUNTHOLE!!! FUCK YOU!!!"
Willy chuckled to himslef as he remembered Henri's ex girlfriend, the beautiful Jimmu, who had now somehow possessed Kate.
"IF THIS FUNNY TO YOU NOW??? BLOODY CUNTING BITCH!!! FUCK YOU CUNT!!! FUCK OFF & SHOWVE YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ASS YOU CUNT!!! FUCKING WHORE!!! NOW YOUR OFF MY NICE LIST YOU CUNT!!!"
Meghan held up an X sign to show Kate the plan had failed, which didn't help the situation.
Shortly after, Henri emerged with George and Garthur's camera, trying to explain why stealing was wrong. Curiously, the Cambridge children were the only children in the entire world Henri could not make like him.
After a few long minutes, the baby was ready to come out. Kate pushed one more time and felt something drop onto the couch.
'Is it out?!!!' she yelled.
Phily checked, 'no sister, you've just passed your bowels. Not to worry, keep trying'.
Kate was enraged that Phily would suggest this. 'All I'm good for is making babies, you think I dont know the difference bitch! YOUR BORN A PAUPER & YET YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU EWITH YOUR SHIT COMMENT??? FUCK OFF MOTHER FUCKER I DIDN’T ASK YOU"'
Phily, remaining calm, picked up the brown item with her bare hands, noting in her head that Kate should eat more fruit, and showed it to her.
Kate grabbed the excrement at once and threw it in Willy's face. This delighted Charlotte who danced around him in a circle chanting 'shit face, shit face'.
Finally, sick of being inside such a woman, the baby pushed itself out and landed in Phily's arms. 'William, Catherine - it's a boy', she beamed.
The Camridges faked happiness, but Henri and Phily were genuinely delighted.
'What will you call him?' Phily said, cradling the baby as Kate wanted to watch Real Housewives rather than hold him.
'Shit baby!' Charlotte suggested, but no one agreed.
'Well actually he could have a name related to his arrival' Willy said. 'How about Loo?'
'Loo is the British slang term for toilet' Henri explained to Meg.
'I have an idea!' Meg said. 'Louis - but like Loo - wee'. Kate shrugged in agreeement.
'You want to name this cherub after a toilet and urine?' Phily asked, feeling sorry for the baby despite the fact he was biting her finger with his gummy mouth.
'You have a problem with my parenting decisions Phily?' Kate asked, almost threateningly.
'Never!' Phily gasped in horror. She would never dream of being so stupid as to judge a woman on what she named, or how she held her baby.
'Charlotte darling, why dont you sing a little song to celebrate Loowee's arrival' Willy said.
Charlotte immediately began a rendition of Lily Allen's 'Fuck you'.
"Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
'Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch
Do you get
Do you get a little kick out of being slow-minded?
You want to be like your father
It's approval you're after
Well that's not how you find it"
***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OK4fJhbRL1g
---
Two days later, while Phily, Henri and Libby were on an engagement, Meghan finally got a chance to speak to Kate again. She had been busy watching the Real Housewives marathon and telling Loowee to pipe down.
'What we gonna do about H?' Meg asked. 'He's been avoiding me since Loowee's birth'
'It's obvious he's not gonna ditch that halfwit willingly. We gotta get rid of her - for good! It's time for drastic action'. Kate pressed her engagement ring, she had a button installed in it so it would send a shock up Willy's ass when she needed him.
Willy came running, 'yes babykins?'
'Gimme your phone'.
Willy handed it over relutantly. Kate opened his messages and found his conversation with someone only identified by a Rose emoji. She texted quickly - 'get 2 Nott Cott now'.
Five minutes later there was a knock at the door. When Meg opened it, a woman who could have been a Kate impersonator stood before her.
'Meg, Rose, Rose, Meg' Kate said, not bothering with formal introductions. Willy looked sheepish in the corner (allegedly).
Meg didnt know who Rose allegedly was but she didn't care. She just wanted to know how she could help her ensnare H.
Kate explained the plan. 'As soon as Phily gets home, we're gonna feed her an apple dosed with botox. Phily is allergic to anything superficial so she'll become drowsy. That's where Rose comes in. She's a witch and with one kiss, Phily will be gone.'
Meg considered the implications of killing the future queen, but came to the conclusion it was worth it.
And so the plan was set. Meg wrote 'you are so loved Phily' on an apple and Kate injected it with the botox she always kept in her bra.
When Phily got home, she was full of the joys of spring. 'We met the most wonderful disadvantaged people today', she beamed. 'I just love saving people'.
Henri smiled lovingly at his wife, 'and they love you, belle'.
'Speaking of love!' Meg said. 'You must take this gift'. She handed her the apple and Phily was touched.
'How wonderful! I will eat it later' she said.
'No you must eat it now sister' Kate said, wearing a full hooded cloak.
'But it's time for dinner' said Phily.
'So what, eat it!' George said impatiently.
'Yeh Phily, why you gotta be so busybody?' Charlotte added.
'Oh no I really shouldnt' Phily said innocently.
'Just eat the fucking apple!' said a voice from the window. They all turned around and Philpot was riding past on his horse and cart.
'Well if grandfather says so' Phily said. She bit into the apple and immediately felt a little faint as the botox hit her pure blood.
Elegantly, she fell into Henri's big, strong arms.
'Mon amour!' Henri yelled, carrying her up the ricketty stairs swiftly.
'Oh no, what has happened?' Meg said. Her acting ability really was wasted on Suits.
'There must've been something artificial in the apple' Henri said, laying her on their handmade bed.
'How could there be?' said Kate. 'It's from your very own Orchard For the Hungry'.
Phily was still breathing but was confused.
Henri was devestated at the thought that his orchard might be to blame.
'It's ok Henners, I know a great doctor that is THE expert on allergies'. Meg said.
Just then there was a knock at the bedroom door and Rose allegedly entered wearing a white doctor's coat.
'Here she is now, this is Dr Rose, allegedly', Meg said.
Henri didnt have time to question how she got there so fast, so just said in a panicked voice, 'Dr Allegedly, please help my wife!'
'Everyone who is male and under 2 years of age must leave the room' said Rose.
'No I can not leave her!' Henri wailed, falling at Phily's bedside.
George at once knew it was his time to shine because his father was too dimwitted to defuse this situation.
'Uncle Henri, please could you tell me again why one should never dress as a member of a fascist, murdering political party? I just dont understand why it's so bad' George said sweetly.
Henri knew at once that his greater calling was to teach George right from wrong. It is what Phily would want.
He left the room with one last glance at Phily who was humming 'Once upon a dream'.
That left Kate, Meg, Rose, Charlotte and Phily.
'Get it done Rose!' whispered Kate.
'In order for the enchantment to work, you must all join hands and sing the death kiss soundtrack, the underrated classic 'Kiss from a rose' by Seal'.
***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMD2TwRvuoU
Rose kissed Phily on the lips, as the others encircled them singing hypnotically.
A pink mist left Phily's mouth and was inhaled by Rose. 'It is done'.
There was a moment of silence before Kate fell at Rose's feet and looked deeply in her eyes as she sang.
"You remain
My power, my pleasure, my pain.
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby.
But did you know, That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."
Meg gasped. She had been foolish. It was Kate who was allegedly having an affair with Rose, not allegedly Willy!
She didnt have time for that revelation now. She needed to check Phily was really gone.
Checking her pulse, she waited for a few moments until suddenly she felt it beat.
'Damn it Rose, she's alive!' Meg said, losing her temper.
'ARE YOU DUMB, BITCH??!' screamed Charlotte.
Rose rushed over from her alleged embrace with Kate, who had shed her cloak and was now in a real snake skin body suit.
She checked her pulse, and discovered Meg was correct. Her pulse was beating every 19.84 seconds - the year of Henri's birth.
'Oh fuck' Rose allegedly said. 'I've only heard about this happening in fairytales. When the love between husband and wife is pure, the kiss will not work to its full effect'.
Meg screamed into her hands. 'How can it be pure when H's nethers react to me?'
'That is simply a test from Jesu. The point is, Henri has resisted your advances, thus proving the purity of his love'. Rose explained to the room.
At this point, Charlotte lost it. She wanted to be back in her £4 million apartment, not this shitty dive.
'I don’t need a damn explanation about what she asked. Seriously do not act too smart about teaching me things. Asshole answer the question do not even try to be a bloody smart ass. Seriously pisses me off!!!' she yelled.
Rose looked at Kate quizically.
'A bout of Jimmutitus' Kate shrugged.
'What do we do?!' Meg said desperately.
'As long as Henri doesnt suck Phily's toe, the curse will remain in place and the princess will remain in a slumber forever' said Rose.
Kate stroked her chin, 'so technically, we could just SAY Phily's dead? As long as we keep any qualified medical staff away from her?'.
'I guess' Rose said. 'Can I go now?'.
'Yeah, bye', Kate said.
'How are we gonna keep everyone away from Phily?' Meg asked.
By this point Kate was running out of patience with her co-conspirator and her incessant questions.
'HEY FUCKER, DID I ASK YOU ANYTHING???? DID I??? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!' Kate screamed.
'Uh oh you've done it now' Charlotte sniggered.
Meghan was stunned, 'but I-i-i-i was just asking, we're running out of time'
'WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU BITCH FOR YOUR SHIT OPINION??? BLOODY FUCKING BITCH!!! GET A LIFE!!!'
'Ok ok I'm sorry Kate!'
'MAYBE IF YOU HAD SHUT THE FUCK UP I WOULDN'T BE SCOLDING YOU NOW!!! FUCKER!!! Just shut up and let me think'.
Kate closed her eyes and thought for approximately 10 seconds. In the meantime, Charlotte took off her sock and stuffed it in Meg's mouth to stop any more questions.
When Kate was done thinking, she strode over to the window and flung it open. Beneath her was the sprawling gardens of Kensington Palace.
She took a deep breath and yodelled out of the window 'EUUUUUUGBEEEEEEEEEEEEEA!!!!!!'
Meghan wanted to ask who Eugbea was but she didnt dare.
Within 5 seconds, a figure came running up the lawn. Charlotte leant on the window frame watching the woman run 'urgh her dress is SO tragic'.
'Meg get over here, lean your head back like this', Kate said.
Both woman stuck their heads out of the window and their hair tumbled to the ground.
When Eugbea reached the bottom of the window, she said 'I think I should go up the stairs'
'SHOVE WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!!! Get up here!' Kate hollered.
Eugbea knew better than to argue and began climbing up the wall using the hair as ropes. Finally she made it to the top and clambered into the bedroom.
As soon as she saw Phily lying unconscious on the bed, she let out an inhumane wail. Phily was like the sister Eugbea never had.
'There there, let it out' Kate said, patting her back, suddenly kind. Charlotte stood underneath her catching her tears in her hands.
As usual, Meghan was perplexed so Charlotte filled her in whispering 'this is Eugbea, a blood princess. Blood princesses cry diamond tears so I'm collecting them to make a cage for Phily.'
Meg didnt understand how Charlotte had worked all of this out in the minute that had gone past, but she wanted it to work so bad that she too patted Eugbea's back.
Eugbea turned around nervously at the touch, 'w-w-who are you?'
'No time for that' Kate said, poking her in the eye.
Eugbea cried even more until there were enough diamonds to build the cage.
At once, Charlotte threw the diamonds in the air and they cascaded down in the shape of a dome around Phily, creating a solid diamond barrier.
Once they had ensured nobody could get through it by repeatedly shoving Eugbea against it, Kate pushed her back out of the window and slammed it shut.
'We ready girls? Put on your best sad faces'. They all turned their smiles upside down and Kate pressed her engagement ring.
Willy came flying up the stairs with the boys and Libby. Henri stormed towards his love.
'What is this!' he asked in dismay, looking at Phily through the dome.
Meg began to cry dramatically, 'Dr Rose did everything she could but it wasnt enough, she's gone!!!'
Henri fell flat on his back like a plank, 'NoOoOoOoOoOoOoooooooOOOO!'
Libby ran over and began to sing 'Memory' from Cats in a beautiful operatic voice (the musical version, not the movie one because Libby had refined tastes).
"Touch meeeeee,
It is so easy to leave meeeeee
All alone with the memoryyyyyyyy
Of my days in the suuun
If you touch me,
You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has beguuuuuuuuun"
***Musical interlude*** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm5w7gHEtJI
----
No public outcry was big enough for Phily. So the royal family decided to send her diamond tomb around the commonwealth via boat (not environmentally unfriendly jet) so her people could say goodbye personally. She was pulled over dying land on a horse and cart, and people threw seeds at her tomb instead of flowers. This meant that the land would become nourished once more.
Even when dead, Phily was working.
After 6 months of travelling, she returned to the UK and was placed in the Windsor Castle tomb with all the greatest kings and queens of England. Luckily for Meg, no one had noticed that Phily was indeed alive.
Henri was devestated but continued to work, alongside Libby.
The public love for Phily had meant that the Cambridges were provisionally forgiven and they moved back into KP on the condition that they undertook at least one engagement a year.
Meghan Markle had remained in Nottingham Cottage to support Henri while flying (not boating) back and forth to Canada to film her show Suits.
Meg had not tried to seduce Henri's nethers as she knew she must gain the public's trust first and act as a good friend.
But she couldnt wait any longer. Since Kate had moved home, she wanted nothing more to do with Meg, so she had concocted a new plan all by herself.
One evening, Henri was carving scultptures for the PPPCT - Princess Philanthropina Pauper Conservation Trust. Meg was in the kitchen roasting a chicken and wafting the smell towards Henri to replicate the cozy vibes Phily always managed to make.
'H, I was thinking for the 6 months anniversary of Phily's passing, we should have an event, the public need to be cheered up' she said, sounding philanthropic.
'A wonderful idea to think of the people of Britain and the commomwealth Meghan, what shall we do?'
'Mmmmmm, well what cheers the British more than anything?' she asked innocently.
'There are only 2 things that cheer Brits. Winning a sport and a royal wedding for a SENIOR member of the family', Henri said.
Meg smirked to herself, he'd bought it hook, line and sinker. 'We cant cheat in sport so maybe a royal wedding is our only option!'
'But we have no single members left that are loved enough' H said dumbly.
Meg rolled her eyes behind his back. 'Well you are single H, and no one is more loved than you!'
H gasped. 'I couldn't!'
Meg, wearing a British flag dress batted her eyelashes. 'Phily is gone and she'd want you to be happy. But she'd want you to make the British people happier'.
H thought for 1.5 seconds and decided she was right. He scolded himself for being selfish, Phily WOULD want him to serve the people above anything else.
'You're right Meghan, but who would I marry?'
'It's funny you asked because I found this in between Phily's reuable sanitary pads' she pulled out a ring box and opened it. Inside was a diamond engagement ring. 'Phily must have had it made, just in case this happened'.
H wept, 'oh my love was so kind!'.
Meg accidently on purpose dropped it on the floor and when Henri gallantly bent on one knee to pick it up, she yelled 'YES!'
'Um what?'
'YES I'LL MARRY YOU!' she grabbed Henri by the collar and pulled him into a hug, planting a big kiss on his perfect lips.
Henri was speechless. It seemed he had just proposed.
And just like that, Meghan Markle and Henri, the Prince of the People, were engaged to be married!
It was the wedding day of Prince Henri, Prince of the People and Ms Meghan Markle.
In the grand dressing room of Buckingham Palace, Meghan was getting ready with Jessica Mulroney.
Eugbea came bursting through the door, wearing a flower crown, flower bracelets, and flower anklets. “Dear cousin! Look outside, it’s snowing yellow snow!!!”
Sure enough, yellow snow poured down and Eugbea yelled “this hasn’t happened since Charles I was executed!” She stuck her tongue out the window.
“What the frick Eugbea, way to bring the mood down” said Jessica Mulroney, giving her a tongue lashing (literally).
“Sorry dear cousin” Eugbea wept spilling diamond tears on the ground and ran away. Everyone knew only blood princesses could cry diamond tears.
Meghan picked up the diamonds and threw them out of the window where Fomid Lobie was hiding in the bushes. She allowed Fomid to follow her around in return for positive news stories. He was only allowed to follow her on the proviso he wore a disguise at all times.
Just then there was a knock at the door and a royal butler announced the entrance of Queen Liz.
“Your majesty” Meghan and Jessica Mulroney bowed.
“Meghan, on the occasion of your wedding day, I have a gift for you” said Liz.
Meghan was excited. There had been an unfortunate incident where she had accidently pushed Angela Kelly down the stairs when she refused to give Meghan the tiara she wanted. And then there was the time she used the bathroom after Sophie and suggested she eat more fruit and vegetables. It looked like Liz was finally about to embrace her.
Liz held out a small white rag and Meg took it and blotted her lipstick with it, “How kind of you grandmother”.
“NO!” Liz screamed, her tongue lashing out. “That is a piece of Philanthropina’s wedding dress, you FOOL. You must sew it into your wedding dress to show respect!”
“Oh shhhhh….ugar cubes” Meg said. “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GESTURE GRANDMOTHER. I SHALL BE DELIGHTED TO RESPECT PHILY’S MEMORY IN THIS WAY”
Outside, Fomid was writing out every word Meg was yelling.
“I’m not deaf woman, give it a rest!” Liz side eyed and left.
-
At the chapel, Willy and K8, now known as Willpot and Kathryn the Great took their seats. Kathryn wore the same yellow dress that she wore to Phily’s wedding. Across the way sat Oprah, Rose (allegedly), Sting, Addison Rae, and some other royals that no one knows. Fergie took her seat saying “I’m here everyone, I was invited, it’s me, the Duchess of York”.
Henri arrived to the chapel to cheers that broke a Guinness world record for volume. Following him was Libby who did a ballet dance down the aisle. Meg arrived and her dress dragged through the yellow snow. The choir sang an emotional rendition of born in the USA as she walked down.
As Meg walked to him, Henri’s nethers stirred. He had abstained from sexual intercourse with his bride so far. Phily was still on his mind. Meg got to the altar and Fergie whooted from the stalls “yas duchess!”
The archbishop guy started his sermon “welcome your majesty, your royal highnesses and paupers. We are here today to celebrate the love of our most beloved prince to star of Suits, Meghan Markle. But first we must acknowledge the most glorious lady who is laying beneath our feet right now.”
Meg rolled her eyes. Everyone knew Phily was put in the tomb beneath the chapel with all the great monarchs. Phily’s funeral was the most watched event of all time. Even tribes who were cut off from civilization were given iPads to watch it.
“In respeto for the Princess of the People, the bride and groom will now make an offering”.
Henri wiped a tear away and pulled a twig out of his pocket. “Dear Meghan, please place this piece of Jesu’s cross on Phily’s tomb slab and kiss the slab”
“You want me to kiss the ground, the dirty ground that Anne rode her horse around yesterday?” Meg said.
“That’s no way to talk about uncle Timmy, Meghan” Henri gasped.
Anne piped up, “She’s talking about my actual horse, I took it for a ride in the chapel yesterday, it shat on Phily’s tomb slab but I got Eddie and Sophie to clean it up”
“See, all is well Meghan dear, the excrement has been cleaned” Henri said with a big smile.
“Yes by a woman who left a shit explosion in the toilet!” said Meg.
The congregation gasped.
“What? Anne literally just said ‘shat’, and I can’t say ‘shit’?”
“The protocol is only blood princesses are allowed to curse in church” said Liz from her front row spot, “Phily would have known that”.
“Bum hole!” giggled Eugbea, just because she could.
“Piss butt” screamed Charlotte.
“Enough! Meghan for the love of Henri just kiss the funking slab” hollered Philpot.
Henri bent down to kiss it first, a little to long and passionately for Meg’s liking.
Meghan thought about her dilemma. Should she kiss the slab to please the family, but forever be know for living in Phily’s shadow and kissing the shit floor? Or should she refuse and show the world she was an independent woman that is gonna make her own way in the family by going against the grain? She made her decision and looked directly in the camera operated by Fomid in a wig and trilby.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your service. I will respect the memory of beloved Phily who was a great friend of mine. In my heart I know she would not have wanted me to kiss the floor slab. Therefore, I shall not. But I shall place the priceless twig down. God Save The Queen!”
The room went silent apart from the sound of Jessica Mulroney bailing from the chapel and Fomid whispering “slay queen”.
The royals had faces like they were sucking lemons. Meg bent down to place the twig on the slab, and stood up again. At the same time Kathryn The Great rolled a lit candle towards it. In slow motion, Meg noticed and made a grab for the twig, but it was too late and the final twig from Jesu’s cross was incinerated.
“What the fuck busybody, why didnt you put it in the fire proof bag first!!!!” Charlotte screeched.
“What fireproof bag??” said Meg.
“This one” Henri held up a little bag that said ‘fireproof bag for Jesu twig’.
Not only had Meg bought the first yellow snow for 100s of years, disrespected the Queen, country and Phily. She’d destroyed a priceless relic. Meg was now the most hated woman in the UK.
-
Kathryn the Great was on cloud 9 when they got home to their £4 million apartment. She span around exposing her nethers, “I did it birch, I really did it. Finally I’m the popular one”.
“Now we’ve just got to tow the line for a little bit” Willpot said and Kathryn shocked his nethers with the button on her engagement ring.
“Are you fucking kidding me! This is my time now you bastard! I’m sick of behaving, I dont trust nobody and nobody trusts me, the public are about to see who I really am”. She ran into the bedroom and returned wearing a black lace catsuit with cut outs on uppers and nethers. “Call me Middleton, Snake Middleton”.
“What can I be called? How about Fang” Willpot said sticking out his teeth.
Charlotte stuck her head round the door, “Piss flakes!”
“That’s a great idea” Snake said.
“How about a compromise…Flakes?” said Piss Flakes.
“The compromise is Piss, now shut up” Snake hissed.
“Yes my love” Piss said sadly.
-
In the humble cottage Henri carried Meg over the threshold. The archbishop guy rushed the rest of the ceremony because the crowd outside decided to leave and go to Trafalgar Square where Phily and Henri’s wedding was being replayed on a big screen.
“What a day, shall we go upstairs my HUSBAND?”
Henri’s nethers twitched but he couldnt bear to release them in his and Phily’s bed. “I shall retire to my chamber, dear Meghan, I am feeling fatigued”. He ran upstairs.
Just then Libby twirled past after cycling herself home, ready to bathe herself and put herself to bed.
“That’s it!” Meg thought. “What I need to get everyone back on my side is a baby or two, all I need now is Henri’s nethers!”
The End for now.
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